Most of us think that when trust is broken in a relationship, it is almost impossible to rebuild. However, if you wronged your partner and broke their trust (say, by cheating on them), it can be rebuilt if you follow a few important steps.
Step 1. You accept blame. That is radical and unusual. You dont obfuscate, give lame excuses, or blame your ex. You just say I screwed up, and this is what I did. I cheated on you. This is very powerful Emotional Logic. When we have been wronged one of the things we are wondering is if our ex knows what they did wrong. Do they know it or are they thinking it was somehow not that big a deal? Step 1 takes care of this for your ex, it makes it clear you own and are fessing up to it without all the bs.
That is a great start! It is entirely different from all the bs we usually get when there is a problem in a relationship. I screwed up and Im owning up to it is a very powerful thing ” if you mean it and dont keep screwing up.
Step Two follows right on top of this. You then need to acknowledge that you caused your mate pain, and here is the pain caused.
See, your mate is hurting because you wronged them. They may feel very sad, or they may be furious, or both. You caused it, so you accept responsibility for that as well. “Hey, I know I made you feel like I don’t appreciate or respect you, and I know that I broke your heart in pieces…”
Amazing! This too is different from what your mate expects to hear. Instead of excuses, you really seem to understand the damage you caused. You’ve not only taken the blame, you have owned up to the pain you caused.
Youve got to describe the pain some, using the best words you can. This is exactly what Emotional Logic sounds like. At this point, you want to make sure your ex feels like you understand him/her. You cant skip this step, even if you are a man and, like many men, arent comfortable talking about emotions. For the skill to work, your ex has to feel like you really understand the pain you caused by what you did.
When most of us say “I’m sorry!” it doesn’t work because the apology doesn’t include these two steps. Accept blame and acknowledge the pain you caused your mate. When you’ve done this, you are well on your way to rebuilding trust. There are more steps to it, but this is a great start.